Sunday, March 1, 2009

Ring Of Fire

I’m a secret fan of the “Darwin Awards” which commemorate people who strengthen the gene pool by removing themselves from it.

I seem to be surrounded by complete idiot and retards, but they stop short of Darwin-ing themselves, and remain [miraculously] with us.

So I’ve invented the D’OH-Win awards .

First Nomination…Let’s just call him ROB. Because that’s his name.

I’ve always liked this kid. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box but he IS a really nice guy. He is respectful, helpful, dependable and cheerful. He’s also a really hard worker and we give him odd jobs and part time work whenever we can.

So, last weekend Rob was down at the river drinking with some buddies and had an epiphany.
“Let’s pour gasoline in a ring around the bonfire and set it alight! Then we will have a RING OF FIRE”

Brilliant fucking idea Robin. Stellar.
Rob was on a roll. It got better.

“Let’s WRESTLE inside the RING OF FIRE that we’ve just built around our BONFIRE”
Outstanding! Exceptional Thinking!

So Rob and some other guy WRESTLED inside of the RING OF FUCKING FIRE and frikken rolled into the fire-ring.Shock Horror! Who’d have thought?

The other guy wasn’t badly burnt but Rob was wearing a gangsta shiny shirt [I know...] which literally melted and stuck to his body.Someone gave him a hoodie which he put on before sitting down to have another drink.Meanwhile some other kids continued to WRESTLE inside the RING OF FIRE.

No one knows how Rob got home but by the time his roommate got home at 2am, his house reeked of gasoline and burnt hair and Rob was in a tub in the bathroom, delirious with pain.He had 2nd degree burns on his back and neck, every hair on his torso is gone and his face, hands and arms are a mess.

He was airlifted to a specialist burns unit, and has now been released from hospital.

So Rob, here’s your D’OH award. Moron.

Down To The River

The kids around here go down to the river to party.
They take a lot of booze and a lot of drugs and listen to music really, really loudly.
They have sex and they wrestle and do "stupid shit".
I dunno exactly what other stupid shit they do because I’ve never gone partying with them down at the river but I can [unfortunately] imagine.

So, my friend Bill was down at the river and he was the only guy who hadn’t been drinking.
Some girls wanted a ride home so Bill offered to take them. They were very drunk girls.
The road alongside the river is dark and unlit. And the river is on the LEFT HAND SIDE.
There are trees along the river bank. If there are no trees it’s not safe to drive down there, because you can get stuck.

So, Bill was driving alongside the river and he started running out of road. His [drunk] passengers were saying “No No the road’s THERE – just keep going”
So he did.

His [drunk] passengers didn’t know squat.

The next minute Bill’s car is in the gravel in his carful of drunken girls.
Bill and the car and the drunken girls are sinking.

He went on foot back to the “campfire” and a couple of guys with trucks and tow-bars tried to haul him out but his car wouldn’t budge.

Finally someone got a truck and they tied a big motherfucking cable around the car, through the back windows and over the back doors and they pulled it out SIDEWAYS.

It was out of the gravel!
Sort of.

Imagine a squished aluminum can.

Neither of the back doors could be opened and the car chassis was completely twisted.

Bill said “I’ll never listen to those girls again”